Laid Bare 251116

Life is what happens to all of us. Everyone is different. Relationship is different.

2016, I firmly believed i could do it. A life changer.

On my relationship wise, I really thought i could do it, i could move in with her, plan the future with her. I told myself during her worst period, i must get through this, i will do everything i can to help her, with her depression, with her attitude, with her problems. Month passed, she won her own inner devil. I was happy, i was so happy when she said it'll be her last visit. I could do it, i could handle her worse, what worst could happen in the future. When she quit her job and move out of her house, i had an idea of moving in together with her, i prepared, i told my parents, i packed awaiting the day. I want to love her more than her parents will ever be.

September happened, i quit my job when she stopped. Apparently it was too hasty and not properly planned. My own mistakes. Blind job hunt begins. And of course my duty as her personal one is still there. Stress piled up, mistakes piled up, a lot missed out. My worst period in our relationship term, she decided she can't be with me anymore with my current attitude, my arrogant, my 'always right' attitude. Simple as that she says. But why within the depth of myself, i felt that it's more than just that simple?

I know my issues, i knew my issues, i am fixing it. It's a matter of time, i couldn't achieve the result she wanted now, but i promised her i could achieve it in due time. Change then she said, then in the future we might be together again. But, i deeply knew the moment she said, it will not happen anymore, the feelings, the smell, the touch, it will not be the same. We were never in fairylands, only reality. We are not objects, if we're apart, when we're lonely who will we be finding? We all live by emotional ties, when we're sad, we find someone, when we're happy, we find someone. By chance, you might be on another person's embrace in a week. It will never be the same again anymore.

For this current moment. Why am i so angry at myself for telling her i will bring her till the end. Is it because i'm determined to marry her? I guess i didn't study her good enough to know what she's thinking then and now.

You will always find a better one. This statement is what i hated much. This is purely bullshit, a relationship is supposed to be cultured together. Both partners helping each others to fill their both weaknesses and strengths. Does this mean when a better one comes, relationship ends and one of them just jump ship onto another one? Does a water that has been slowly fanned to be cold with time and then served can't be compared to a water that has ice in it which suddenly bought by others? I chose her, i don't expect to break up unless the worst happened.

I laid bare for her, has she been doing the same? Or she's just continuing her life just like pre-us? It's just another relationship that will come and go for her?

I guess.

I didn't become perfect guy for her after all.

I really hope i could be the first person to read her latest novel, i love her novel, i love her drawings, i love her photography, i love her. Seems like it's a fleeting dream now. I wanted to tell her badly the reason why i showed no interest on her creation now, it's because i want to save the surprise when i read it.

Bye. Baka Meryt. There won't be any better Meryt as there will only be one.